Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Good Friends Have Good Dirt

One of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts this week is to have a friend write a post on my blog about me. I chose to do an interview with one of my best friends, Amy, and share it here. (Similar to the interview I once did with my mom, and it is scary how similar some of their answers were!)

Mama’s Losin’ It


Amy and I have worked together for 8 years - all the years I have lived in Colorado. We have been at two schools together and have seen five bosses come and go. We have grown closer and closer over the years, and I couldn't even imagine what I would do without her. It would be a sad, dark, lonely world without her by my side!


Amy and Me, pre-kids, 2005 (I have done my own version of "photoshop" on the creep that wouldn't leave us alone that night.)


Me: What do you think my readers would be surprised to learn about me?

Amy: I think you’ve dished it all! Anything else that they don’t know, I have to take to the grave.

Me: Yes, that is true! (Inside I’m thinking, She just passed the good friend test.) Anything about my personality that would be surprising to my readers?

Amy: How highly perfectionistic you are.

Me: Yes!

Amy: If things don’t go how they’re supposed to go or how you are expecting them to go, you get completely thrown off kilter.

Me: *Sigh* I know. ‘Tis true. (She knows me so well! EVERYTHING is supposed to go the way I want it to, dammit.)

Amy: And, as sassy as you can be, I think your readers would be surprised to see you in action at work. You can be so professional, and you know when you have to rein in your sass. But, it is funny, I can almost hear your thoughts as professional words are coming out of your mouth!

Me: What do you think is the most shocking thing I’ve done at work?

Amy: When you told our old boss to stop acting like our mother and to treat us like the professionals we are.

Me: Yes, a proud moment. That was a long time ago. I better step up my game. What is the most shocking thing I’ve done outside of work?

Amy: I was totally shocked when you threw up in my car...and in a cab...and on my front porch. I can’t wait to see what’s next!

Me: Those were not proud moments. I’m sorry. Whatever. Better keep the hose ready. Has anything shocked you that I have shared on my blog?

Amy: Nothing shocking to me, but I was surprised that you ended up sharing excerpts from your novel because you have been so secretive about it.

Me: I already know what you would say is my most memorable post.

Amy: Yes, the most memorable one was your airport story with Parker. I can just SEE it happening just how you wrote it.

Me: What makes you laugh about me?

Amy: HA! Where do I begin?! Your expressions – the way you say things. It’s just amusing, even when you don’t intend to be. You are very expressive. You have a lack of filter – when you are comfortable – you can be so candid and tell it like it is.

Me: Why are we good friends?

Amy: Well, we’ve gone through hell and back together at work! We also became mothers together and experienced hard things with our children together. Now, we are trying to get our lives back together now that our children are growing! We have had similar life paths.

Me: How are we different?

Amy: You are more of a risk-taker than I am. I have it in me, but you bring it out in me. I like to have fun, but you tend to leap first, and then I follow!

Me: After all that, please share some nice things about me.

Amy: You have been a phenomenal support system to me in some very trying times. You always try to be a peace-keeper and make everyone happy. You always think of others before yourself. You paid to clean the car you threw up in.

I Always Knew There was Something Wrong with People who Hate Cats

On Bethenny Ever After, Bethenny said, "Humor trumps professionalism."

I totally agree.

I have been known to play jokes at work. It is just too much fun. For me.

You would never guess I'm such a menace.

But I am. There is a glimmer in the eye, you see?



Years ago, I decided to play a joke on a previous supervisor on MY birthday. I had heard whispers that people were planning to prank me for my birthday. So, I thought, I'll strike first! Bwa, ha, ha!

Anyone who knows me should know that this is a compliment if I will spend time to play a joke on you. I thought my old boss knew that.

He was quite the family guy with pictures all over his office of his gorgeous little ones - twins! - and his wife.

He hated cats.

On his birthday, I waited around until he was gone to break into his office.

I had printed some really, really great pictures of cats off the Internet with a color printer. Pictures like these:


























I am not a total menace. I CAREFULLY removed his family pictures - every last one - out of the frames and CAREFULLY placed them in a ziploc bag and CAREFULLY placed the bag in my desk.

Then, I put the cat pictures in all of his frames around his office.

I came into work the next morning, giddy, excited for the absurd hilarity to cause loud laughing and guffaws from everyone, including my boss.

The front secretary was near tears. "Kristy, he's looking for you. He is so upset. I didn't even want him to know that I knew about it!"

"What?! Are you kidding me?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No! He's pissed!"

I was incredulous, and I felt bad that I had involved our poor, dear secretary in the heinous act.

I went to my office, still not believing anything had gone wrong. Who wouldn't think that filling a cat-hater's picture frames with ridiculous pictures of cats wasn't funny?!

He was there to talk to me. He shut the door.

He explained how precious his family pictures were to him. "Of course I know that! Look!" I exclaimed as I got out the CAREFULLY saved pictures and explained just how careful I had been. It didn't help.

He said he felt that someone was intending to be a menace to him. Someone was "threatening him." Giving him the what-for, if you will.

To that, I exclaimed, "No, no, no! Don't you think it's funny that I put CATS in your picture frames? You hate cats! Ha, ha..." I trailed off, as he was not softening and did not laugh along.

Wow, the dude was TOTALLY serious.

In spite of myself, I went on, "Don't you realize what today is?"

He looked at me blankly.

"It's my birthday!" I said.

He looked at me blankly.

"I thought you guys were planning to prank me on my birthday, and I thought I would do this before you had a chance to do anything to me! That's all!" I said.

He seemed to soften his demeanor at that a little. I apologized profusely. He managed to say, "It's ok." I CAREFULLY replaced the pictures.

But I kept the pictures of the cats. I'd take them out every once in a while and have a good fucking laugh.

....................

This week's RemembeRED memoir prompt at Write on Edge was to recall a prank that did not have the results you intended.



....................

To my bloggy friends who noticed my absence as of late, I was on Spring Break. But, I'm back. And doing the best I can.

Spring in my Step



It's the first day of Spring, and here's what's on my mind:


1. Get out the spray tan bottles. Fast!

2. I really should work out more. (This tends to be on my mind through the year.)

3. Do I really need to pretend that I like doing things outside?

4. I am excited about planning the garden.

5. Bikini or no bikini this year? (See number 2 above.)

6. Let's grill! And eat on patios! And have drinks in the sunshine! (See, I get outside sometimes.)

7. How many weeks until we go to Mexico?!

8. Pedicure. Stat.

9. Must buy more short sleeve T's at Target.

10. Speaking of Target, did I really have a New Year's resolution to get rid of my credit card debt? Yeah, that's not going so well.

What's on your mind?!

Being a Mommy Takes Ninja Mind Tricks

When my son is trying to do something he is not supposed to (e.g., smush all the toothpaste out of the tube), he gets very quiet.

So then I go check on him.

I quietly approach him.

He has his back to me.

I say quietly, "What are you doing?"

Parker stands still. He looks over his shoulder. He whispers in a menacing tone:

"Go away."

I always laugh.

So, the other day, I decided to use his own trick on him.

He was nagging, as small children do, while I was cooking dinner. It was annoying. I looked over at him over my shoulder.

"Go away," I said in a quiet, menacing voice.

"Uugghh!" he scoffed at me.

When it was dinnertime, my boy said:

"I sit by Daddy. Mommy is being cranky at me."

Whatever works.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Kara at Nest Candy for 11 Random Things!



I'm a playful type, and I don't mind the occasional tag, so here goes.

Here's how it works:

-Post these rules
-Post 11 random things about yourself
-Answer the questions set for you in their post.
-Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
-Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them.

My 11 Random Things:
1. I just updated my "Best of" page up above there. Go ahead. Check out some of the best of Pampers and Pinot!

2. I really like cheese.

3. I long for the ocean.

4. My least favorite time of day is 3-5 pm. Every day, I'd prefer to just skip it and get right to dinner.

5. I don't really have a sweet tooth. I did when I was pregnant.

6. I'm going to go to Target later to get some things and stuff.

7. I love listening to my music in the car really really loud. I have a problem with blowing out speakers. I'm totally that lady rolling up to the grocery store blasting my def tunes.

8. I have really vivid dreams every night. I have a few different homes around the world that I revisit in my dreams here and there. I try to play games with my dreams and think about what I want to dream about before I go to bed, and then I see if I dream about it. Most of the time I do. Sometimes I don't.

9. I'm afraid of the novel I'm writing. It's very ambitious. I don't know if I have it in me. But, I actually take that as a good sign that I'm on the right track.

10. My favorite game on my smart phone is Ant Smashers. I find it very satisfying.

11. I love to laugh, and I love trying to find the humor in almost everything.


My answers to Kara's questions:
1. If you could travel back in time, where would you go?

I cannot decide between two things.

I would want to go back to a day with my grandma when I was young. We had been at the beach all day. After getting clean in the shower and having that sun-kissed, tired feeling, I would enjoy the smell of her home and the fresh air outside. She had big bird cages, a tree swing, a pool, and strawberry plants. I would curl up with her and enjoy just being with her.

Another time would be a weekend I lived in Iowa on a not-too-hot summer evening. My husband and I lived in the country. We would have friends come over, have a bonfire, watch the lightning bugs (man, I miss lightning bugs), and then laze about together the rest of the weekend. I would take long walks by myself down to Wolf Creek on a gravel road.

How many books do you think you have read (just for fun)?

There is absolutely no way I could determine a guess - thousands upon thousands!!! I have always been a big reader from an early age and am NEVER not in the middle of a book.

Are you a Mac or PC person?

PC, but it is not something I am passionate about. I don't really care. Just give me something to use, and I'll freaking use it.

Have you ever ridden a train?

Yes.

Dark or milk chocolate?

Milk, I guess. Not really a chocolate crazy person. I know, I know, I'm a freak.

Running - Love it? or Hate it?

I WISH I could. Honestly. I enjoy exercising and do so regularly, but whenever I try to run, I have horrible, splitting pain throughout my calves. The idea of it appeals to me, but I stick to walking, dancing, strength training and Jillian Michael's type stuff.

What three foods could you never give up?

Cheese, bread products, and wine. Absolutely, wine is a food group. In my world.

What's a food you've never tried but would like to?

I'm adventurous with food and can't likely think of anything that I haven't tried that I would want to try. I was most disappointed by oysters. Thought I would like that, but just remembering the experience makes me want to throw up.

What length of socks do you prefer?

Ankle socks for working out; otherwise, I like socks up to my knees. So comfortable. But, I would NEVER wear them like that with exposed legs. There's a trend I do not like.

What was your favorite class in Jr. High or High School?

Nerd alert! Honors English classes. Always my fave.

Do you know a foreign language?

Double nerd alert! I took Japanese in high school because I was always up for a challenge and really enjoyed it! Of course, I don't remember much of it now, only a little.



My questions for the next group:

What do you think is the funniest movie of all time?
What is your most frequent, daily worry?
Best travel destination?
Name one big adventure you would like to still accomplish.
What is your favorite weekend activity?
What could be a song on the soundtrack of your life?
When do you feel most energetic?
What book are you currently reading?
What would be your luxury item if you went on Survivor?
Biggest turn on in the opposite sex?
Biggest turn off in the opposite sex?


Tag, you're it!

You Gotta Laugh

Let's laugh! It's always a good time.

















I'm linking up with Kristi at Live and Love Out Loud for Wordless Wednesday!


Live and Love...Out Loud

Highlights and Lowlights

Who loves to go get their hair done?


This girl does!

With that theme in mind, here are some "highlights" and "low lights" from the last few days.

HIGHLIGHTS:

-Made it to LEVEL 3 of Jillian Michaels on Saturday, and I didn't die!

-Went on a date night. (Gasp! Date night hasn't occurred since October or November. We couldn't remember!)

-Went to one of our favorite restaurants for date night.

Blue Star, Colorado Springs, photo from flickr.com

-Danced, danced, danced the night away to one of my favorite singers/bands. Once the music started, I never stopped. It was glorious. When it was over, I went upstage and hugged the singer. I love him so much.

Arch Hooks
He said, "Thanks for coming tonight! You really brought a lot of energy!" (Yes, we'll call it "energy." Not Sprocket lunacy.)

-Got to go to my boy's Valentine's party at preschool today. Watching your kid on stage and with his preschool buddies never gets old!


LOW LIGHTS:

-Level 3 Jillian Michaels + 3 hours of nonstop dancing = very sore muscles. Ack, my back!

-Wine at dinner + a martini after-dinner drink + a few cranberry vodkas at the bar =
a "slight" hangover the next day.


-Feel like I'm so behind on blogging (and, always, writing), so hope you enjoyed this quick attempt at a post.


By the way, Parker loves hockey.

On Crude Humor and Judging Other Parents





I got to watch a movie – a real rated-R adult movie with no animation or singing by chipmunks! I had to watch said movie in three parts.

First during naptime, but then it was interrupted half-way through when my son was discovered awake, wandering the upstairs.

Then, I watched a little of it after work in my office because I refuse to return it to the damn Redbox unwatched. This is the second time I have rented this particular movie from a Redbox. The first time, I never got to see any of it before I returned it.

Renting a movie is a crap shoot. In our house, you never know if you’re going to get to watch it. I finally finished the movie while watching on my laptop at home with ear buds in my ears. But, hot damn, I finished it!

It was The Change-Up, and it was insanely, inappropriately hilarious! Have you seen it? Do you love crude humor as much as I do?

I was extremely grateful for all of the true and hearty LOLs it gave me.

There is this one line about parenting from the movie, and it goes something like this:

“If your children are ever misbehaving, they must be tired or hungry. If other people’s children are misbehaving, it’s because of negligent parenting or an inherent character flaw in the child.”

Ha! Isn’t it true how people tend to jump to those kind of judgments when it is not their own children? Of course, I find myself to be a highly-evolved and open-minded person and always try to reserve judgment in these cases – “Oh, I just feel sorry for the mom…” But, even I can admit that these thoughts have flashed in my mind sometimes.

What do you think of the quote from the movie? How often are you able to watch movies? Is it a god-forsaken miracle if you can ever watch an adult movie in one sitting and without falling asleep?

I'm Easy Like Sunday Morning

I am so very grateful for the positive reactions to my novel excerpt last week. Glen, in particular, from Glen's Life wrote a most heartfelt comment, and I cannot tell you how much it meant to me! Here is what he said:

"Nearly three years of blogging, it has become clear to me that any idiot can blog.

Anyone can say - 'Hey guess what my kids today?'

Within that there is never any real obvious link between writing talent and success. Some people do well because they can write, others because they are funny, and others for no obvious reason that I can see at all. While others can write amazingly well but don't get anywhere.

While being a blogger is relatively easy, writing actual fiction - now that is hard.
Writing actual fiction well?

What you have done there is shown the difference between blogging and writing.
You are good.
Very.
Finish that book."

Thank you, Glen! If you have not done so already, pop over to Glen's site as he is a disarmingly funny bloke in the UK who also enjoys sharing some carefully crafted fiction.

................

Now, I will simply post about what my kid did this weekend! Because I like to take it easy like Sunday morning sometimes. One cannot be brilliant every day, for crying out loud.

................

Parker had finished in the bathroom. "Daddy! Come look at my poop! It looks like a chicken!"

I could not resist. I had to look. It looked like a chicken! It did! It was a little piece of poop that was kind of shaped like a chicken.

I know. You are probably horrified right now, but you'll be ok.

.................

In the downstairs bathroom, I saw a bunch of stickers floating in the toilet.

"Parker!" I yelled. "Why are there stickers in the toilet?"

Instead of answering, Parker just sighed and said, "Ah, call a plumber then."

.................

And now, I give you a picture of the most precious thing that Parker gave me on Friday. A pet rock.


Is this not totally adorable?

Have a good week, everyone!

Silly, Just Plain Silly

First, something I saw, and I liked it.




Now, let's laugh!


She talks like me!





Any one else already tired of the Presidential race?





Yes, let's see if she notices.





Down with anal retentiveness.


If the week ahead becomes too stressful for you, I hope you can find some ways to laugh!

Horror Story



I do not watch horror movies anymore. There have been requests to hear the story behind that.

It was a dark, stormy night in rural New York (ok, maybe it wasn’t stormy or completely rural, but it was dark and…suburban).

I was visiting my best friend. Her husband, two children, and dogs had all retired for the evening, and we were up drinking wine and talking. We decided to choose a movie.

We thought a horror flick sounded fun. We chose High Tension from the list and settled in, ready for the adrenaline rush of boogey-men and things-that-go-bump-in-the-night.

It was the most banal, chilling, and frightening shit I’d ever seen. I think I lasted about a half hour before I insisted my friend turn it off.

It was e-vil. Like the fru-its of the de-vil. (Bonus points for anyone who recognizes that quote.)

I was scarred – for life, apparently.

When we decided to throw in the towel and go to bed, I retreated to the guest room…in the basement. Not only was I in the scary, scary basement (it was actually a very nice room), but there was also a door to the backyard in the guest room.

I was in the bed in the dark trying so hard to be thirty years old and brave. I started to have a panic attack.

I still feel silly admitting it! I had trouble breathing. I felt a loud ringing in my ears. All I wanted to do was RUN. Run upstairs. Find people. Find help. Hug someone.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran upstairs straight into my best friend’s bedroom. I stood by the bed. You know, like a total, crazed moron.

There she slept with her baby boy close to her, her husband sleeping soundly, and one of the dogs at the foot of the bed.

I considered my options. I looked at the hard wood floor. I contemplated curling up on the rug at the end of the bed.

She sensed my presence, and being the bestest best friend one could ever have, she scooted over and lifted the covers up, silently letting me crawl right in.

I was so grateful. Everything was right with the world again. I took up as minimal space as possible right on the edge of the bed, and I couldn’t remember ever feeling more comfortable.

Next thing I knew, it was morning. I looked up and saw her husband staring incredulously at everyone in the bed.

I was very embarrassed. I laid my head back down and pretended to keep sleeping.

In the middle of the night, her other boy had also crawled into bed with all of us. It was a very full bed and is now one of the fondest memories I have of that precious family.

You may think your life is full enough – with your children, dogs, and husband all in your bed on a weekend morning. But, it is not as full as it could be.

I could be there too. Edging my way in, making myself at home, clutching whatever space I’m given.

Sunday Stealing Part 3, Drinky Poo Edition

It's Part 3 of the Sunday Stealing meme. Perfect for a Sunday!



36. Have you watched American Horror Story?

No thank you.

My best friend will tell you that my relationship with horror movies ended in her house in New York. It was not good. Maybe I'll tell the story someday. Maybe I'll just leave it at that.

37. Baseball hat or toque?

Baseball hat! I love wearing a baseball cap around in Mexico that says, Drinky Poo. Thanks again to my best friend.

38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower?


You really care?

39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?


Umm, wet is ALWAYS better.

40. Pen or pencil?

Depends.

41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?


Absolutely.

42. Have you thrown up on a plane?

No.

43. Have you thrown up in a car?


Absolutely.

My other best friend could tell you about that, but not me.

44. Have you thrown up at work?

No.

45. Do you scream on roller coasters?


Absolutely. I love it.

46. How many shoes do you have?


I have never counted. I am picturing my closet in my mind right now, and if I had to guess (too lazy to go upstairs for an answer that I don't believe people truly care about), I would say: 40.

47. Who was your first roommate?

Wow, she was so exciting, I can't even remember her name (sarcasm). I was a freshman in college. She was in our room doing...I don't know. I was elsewhere. Finding trouble, drinking, and smoking stuff.

48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?

Jungle Juice!!!

49. What was your first job?


Working at a frozen yogurt shop.

50. What was your first car?


A 1986 Pontiac LE 6000. Oh yeah. Drove that fucker into the ground.

51. When did you go to your first funeral?


I don't remember how old I was when I went with my dad to a funeral in California for a distant relative of mine. I was little, but I have many memories of that.

52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?


18!

53. Who was your first grade teacher?


Ms. Rappalas or something like that. I don't exactly remember her name, but I remember getting in big trouble for spanking a boy when he annoyed me.

54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?

To California to see my dear grandma.

55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?

I never snuck out of my house. I saved all evil behavior for college when I moved away at 18.

I used to climb out of my window late and lay in the grass and look at the stars but nothing exciting.

56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?

We still keep in touch.

57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house?

Flagstaff, Arizona

58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?

My mom.

59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?

My best friend, Juli.

60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?

Pee

61. What was the first concert you attended?

The most MEMORABLE concerts (I changed the question) was U2 concerts.

62. First tattoo or piercing?

Boring here. Only ear piercings.

63. First celebrity crush?

I'd rather just tell you my current celeb crushes.




And just because I love you, and I think everyone should love this: